I ran track and cross country competitively for 10 years. It was what I poured so much into. So many long practices, tears of both happiness and frustration, memories with people I will never forget, and coaches who truly made an impact in my life both on and off the track.

I knew track would eventually come to an end. I knew that one day I wouldn’t quadruple knot my spikes and step onto a track.  I knew that one day I wouldn’t compete in an 800 representing Western Oregon University. But no one told me just how it would feel.

I gave my everything for a sport that taught me so much about life, about not giving up and working hard for what you want. Track taught me that I’m always capable of more, it taught me how to overcome adversity and all about determination. It took me to 5th in the state and 10th in the nation.

It was May of 2012 and it was my last GNAC conference meet. It was ok, it wasn’t the finish I wanted. I didn’t qualify for nationals like I had done that previous December. But I was happy with it. But after my last event, which was the 4x400m relay, something crazy happened. I was done… There wasn’t another meet to train for, another practice to run… I was done.

I think it took about three months for me to actually realize I was done. When I did, it felt like something was missing. I was missing such a huge part of who I was. I felt like I had no purpose anymore. The thing that I loved the most was gone, I could no longer compete in track or cross country. I honestly wasn’t prepared for the amount of sadness that hit when I realized this.

That last year of running was really intense for me. I had pushed myself harder than I ever had before. But boy do I miss everything about it…

I miss so many of the small things that I took for granted back then. I remember getting so nervous before the start of a race that my feet would shake on the starting line. As soon as the gun went off however, it was like nothing else in the world mattered; all that did matter was the race.

I miss all of the trips with my college teammates. We traveled to California, Kentucky, Minnesota, Seattle and Idaho. I’m thankful for the experiences track and cross country gave me. Going to Kentucky for nationals with both our boys and girls team could arguably be one of my favorite memories.

The Stanford invite, where I found out that I really can run against girls from Michigan, Cal and other big names and still hold my own. To this day, that was my favorite track. The people lining the fence, the palm trees, the crowd that watched from the stands. I remember my coach driving to that track my sophomore year while we were there for cross country regionals. He drove there to inspire us all to want to race there one day, and it worked. I got the privilege to race at Stanford three times and I loved every race.

To this day though I have three memories from track and cross country that stand out the most. The first was my senior cross country season. I was going into state with the potential to perform well. My times were solid, I was in good shape, it was my best season yet. However, I didn’t realize that state would have turned into the best strategic race I could have ran. I started out strong and got into a good positon going up the first hill. From that point on I moved up at just the right time, and just the right place by every mile. It’s like everything that my coach Dan had taught me, finally fell into place. All of the pep talks that my parents gave me, I finally believed in myself. It’s like that was the day for my perfect race. I can remember every detail of that race vividly. By the time I was coming around the corner with 400 meters left, I didn’t realize at that time how good I was actually doing. After I crossed the finish line they pulled me off to the side, which I wasn’t used to. The last two years, they just let me walk off to where we could exit and get hugs from our families. But this time was different, I was waiting with 7 other girls. It was then that I looked down at the piece of laminated paper that they gave me, (yes, I still have it) that said 5th. I honestly was completely shocked. I remember then seeing my sister and shouting out to her. I was asking her what place she got, she then asked the same question. When I held up just my hand showing the number 5; that moment between the both of us of pure happiness is something I’ll never forget. She was so proud of me, and I was on top of the world. My sister and I sharing in each other’s joy. She had placed 35th which was her best place by almost twenty spots!

My second favorite track memory was nationals. Did it go exactly how I had planned? No. Was it a perfect race like state senior year in high school? No. But it was a huge learning experience. I had never qualified for nationals individually before, and it was my senior year so I knew I was running out of time. But I did it, I earned my spot there and I deserved to be there. However, in that meet it was two heats and only 9 runners would move onto the finals with a chance of being an all American. What I had only dreamed of. I was the first girl there who didn’t make it to finals. But I can tell you the exact moment when I lost it. I lost focus for a split second around the 400 mark and that is all it took. It’s only an 800, there isn’t much time for mistakes. As soon as I crossed the finish line I was devastated. I felt awful that my parents came all the way to Minnesota just to watch me get 10th. I knew they were proud of me regardless, but I had poured my heart into that race and I messed up. I sat in the hot tub at the hotel for two hours just overthinking everything. I was heartbroken. It wasn’t until later that night after talking to my parents that I realized what I had done. I had placed 10th in the nation for DII. Something that most people would love to do. It was then that I was no longer heartbroken, just ready and focused for the next race. I also had a moment of being proud of myself, proud of everything that I accomplished.

My favorite track memory has to be what got me to nationals. It was a last chance meet, with only 4 people in my race. Two trying to qualify for nationals and two rabbits trying to help pace their teammates for that time. Rabbiting is such a serious job, you are being trusted to get your teammate to a particular time at a specific point in the race. Runners need to trust their rabbit, if they didn’t then the whole thing could go wrong. I was lucky to have the person I trusted the most as my rabbit, my sister Megan. I felt so comfortable having her be the one who was supposed to pace me for a 2:11, which would have qualified me for nationals. Megan’s directions from coach were pretty simple; she was supposed to pace me for a minute flat for the 400m mark. One minute flat wasn’t a walk in the park for her. I knew that in order for her to do this, she would have had to work the hardest she’s ever had to in a 400. But I knew she could do it. I knew I could pace off of her and I trusted her to get me there in the time I needed. After that my coach told me just to hold on and give it everything I’ve got left in me. Megan got me to the 400 in exactly 60 seconds, she did her job and in that split-second I knew it was time to do mine. I ran my slowest second 400 ever, but it worked! I remember my former teammate then coach, Chris was standing right there telling me that I finally did it. He was so proud of me, and I was still just trying to catch my breath. Then I remember running over to my phone to call my dad, I told him that I ran a 2:11.78. He was so proud of me and so was my mom. But I knew none of that would have been possible without my sister. She was so focused on the plan and was willing to do everything she needed to do to get me there, including running a PR in the process. My whole trip to nationals, wouldn’t have been possible without her, so thank you Megan.

The following February after I had graduated college, I began coaching high school track which filled that empty space I had in my heart. I knew that if I couldn’t get that feeling again, I wanted to help others realize their true potential like my coaches did for me.

Nothing can replace that feeling of stepping onto that staring line and feeling so nervous that my feet would shake. Or the feeling I got after the gun went off and nothing else mattered but the race. But I got pretty close the first time my high schoolers raced. I didn’t realize I could get that nervous for kids. But I have come to love this feeling as well. I miss competing but I love sharing what I have learned with kids who have big dreams and goals.

No one tells you that after collegiate sports you might be so sad, that you will question your true purpose in life. Or that maybe you will even find yourself. I think no one tells you this because as hard as the experience is, it’s necessary. It brought me back to where it all started, McKay. A place that will always hold a special place in my heart. I began to realize what was most important; others. As much as I miss competing, I love coaching. Does it completely make up that void that I had in my heart? No, it doesn’t. It’s different, coaching is bigger than just me. It’s a whole team of kids that I get to help achieve their dreams and realize just how much they are capable of.

Track and Cross Country is a sport that has taught me so much, it still is teaching me actually. I love that I get to still be a part of something special, just from a different side.

No one tells you that when you are done competing in a sport that you have spent so much of your life doing, your whole world changes. The one thing you thought would never end and would always be there, is gone.

After college in the fall of 2013, I ran a marathon and was only 3 minutes from qualifying for the Boston Marathon. I have run 4 half marathons and some 10k’s. I haven’t stopped running. I told myself in college that when running wasn’t fun anymore, that’s when I would quit. And I haven’t stoped yet.

But when one door closes another door opens. I’m truly blessed with the opportunity I have to coach.

I do wish I could go back and tell myself some things. One thing I would tell myself is to take every opportunity you have and treat it like your last. All of the lessons I’ve learned from track along the way, have truly prepared me for life. Like I said, I can’t say thank you enough to the sports of track and cross country. I wouldn’t be where I am today without then.